Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day - Here's to Women

"Here's to women.
Would that we could fall into their arms without falling into their hands!"

Wives who are funnier than their husbands:
-bill hader's wife
-will arnet's wife
-robert cohen's wife
-portia de rossi's wife

Women who are beautiful no matter what people tell me!
- Janeane Garofalo
- Gina Gershon
- TIna Fey
- bald Samantha Morton
- Anna Paquin
- Mary Lynn Rajskub
- Katherine Moennig

AND
Blondie and Pat Benatar are going on tour this summer with The Donnas

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Toast of the Week



"Mages and saints,
to spirits we drink
from skulls made now of glass.
Our souls in our hands,
we harbor no plans
to save them from becoming crass"

-all these will be made up

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Friday, April 24, 2009

Five Mean Thoughts

A blind albino woman walked by me today.
The second she passed, I started inventing parts of her life I thought were funny. I felt like a really big dick but came up with some things in a section I'm calling: Five Mean Thoughts. Here they are.

1. She probably hates the sun. But only because she doesn't know what it is. All she knows is that it hurts.
2. Her cane is often mistaken for one of her appendages.
3. She hears dogs bark all the time and doesn't know why.
4. Braille always cuts her paper thin fingers.
5. Her skin allows her to actually feel peoples' gazes.

I don't know if I'm going to do this kind of post again now that I'm thinking about it...

Alan Moore Reading Rorschach's Journal - Awesome

As it was meant to be read:

Thursday, April 23, 2009

City-wide Decree


Sonic Youth T-Shirts

ARE NOW THE NEW

Ramones/CBGB T-Shirts

What the Devil Did for Fun


Get men drunk
Tempt wolves into stealing babies
Trick wandering minstrels
Poison cows' milk
Make certain horses really difficult
The Plague
Burn down chicken coops
Rearrange road signs
Birth defects
Sing lewd songs
Eat gold

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Real Quote - Thomas Jefferson






The Declaration of Independence has been signed!
Congratulations, America.
Urination.

Monday, April 13, 2009

BabelFish Poetry - Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1, 55-87


Is or is not, is the question:
Whether ' tis nobly suffering brains in
suspension cables and arrow's crude fortune ,
or adopts the arm to oppose the troublesome sea,
and finished them through the opposition.
To die to the sleep,
does not have;
And by said that our sleep conclusion
heartache and 1000 natural vibration
that flesh and blood were the successor:
complete is devotional wish; dies, sleeps;
Sleeps, accidentally, vainly hopes for - ay, there' s friction:
Perhaps for in dying that sleep, any dream comes,
towed this to curl at the point of death,
must give us to pause - there' s respects
to make the disaster longevity.
Who will bear the whip regarding who, and will despise the time,
Th' oppressor' s mistake, arrogant man' s rails,
Severe pain; love, law' s retards,
the office is arrogant, abandons that patient merit
It is not worth achievement,
when perhaps his final relieves makes a bare awl?
Who could the fardels bear, die loo the sound and the sweat under the weary life,
but something dreading after death, undiscovere'd the country,
does not have the traveller from the goal to return, difficult problem,
and rather causes us to bear some ill ratios
does not know to us other flights?
Therefore the conscience is the coward we complete,
and the resolution's local color
is therefore sicklied - o' Not with pale idea statue,
and the great asphalt and moment enterprise
this respects the tidal current deviation
and the lost motion name.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Kids Shows Going Brutal

Sorry to post videos like a lazybug but I thought these were funny.





Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Smokey doesn't think before he speaks

'only you can prevent forest fires'.

Smokey, if 9 out of 10 wildfires are caused by humans, then 1 out of 10 wildfires is caused by nature (let he who is without sin, alright?)

but more importantly, that would also mean that 10 out of 10 wildfires are caused and that causality is to blame here for your little critter friends' homelessness.

only indeterminacy can prevent forest fires, brah.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Top 5 Meanest Songs

1. Randy Neuman- Short People
Essentially, short people should die because their genetic line is one of “little hands, little eyes” that “walk around with their pathetic size….Short people got no reason to live”. Okay, picking on short people is a water only the meanest of the mean dare to tread. And it usually takes place in the deep end. Neuman, I would bow in the awe of your disgusting display of disaffection (I love alliteration!) but I think instead I’ll stand so that I can reach your dick and rip off that old, disgusting ball-sack of yours.
2. . Big L – “All Black”
Another rapping song about killing – sigh - This one paints an all too realistic relishing of not just killing a man, but forcing the family to look upon his coffin while wearing…all black. It explains at length the kind of satisfaction one can only get while watching the broken mother of the man you killed weeping openly over her fallen son. God willing, the son’s ghost is also watching on Earth, convinced he is in hell.
3. MIA- Paper Planes
‘All I wanna’ do’ is not be victim to your best efforts of shooting me, opening my register and taking my money. Even if it’s all you wanna’ do. I don’t care. No. No! I’m not going to let this happen, miss. You and your hard friends need to get out of here now. I work really hard to make this Bodega work and I find it really disturbing that this urge to kill and rob drives you the way it does.
4. Sara Bereilles – I’m Not Gonnna’ Write You A Love Song
Okay, Sara Bereilles is a bitch. I ask for one love song and not only does she say no, but she goes out of her way to write a song about how she won’t write a love song for me. That really hurt. I wasn’t being desperate about it or pathetic in any way, I just thought she would say yes and it could be like, our song. Just a nice little thing or whatever. Broke my heart…and now she’s all famous. It’s so weird.
5. Body Count- Cop Killer
I think I get it but... really? Come on Ice T. This isn't what you want.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Gregg Gill-is a boner?

I don't agree with this article per-say (per-sey?), but it's really well written and I like it.

YOU WILL LIKE IT TOO!! LIKE IT!!!!

Trash Talkin' the way this Girl Talks

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Top 20 fake bands


1. Wyld Stallyns
2. Hep Alien
3. Sonic Death Monkey
4. Scrambled Debutante
5. The Beets
6. Scab
7. CB4
8. LoveBurger
9. Marc
10. The Lone Rangers
11. Crucial Taunt
12. Bacon Facial
13. The Shitty Beatles
14. Dethklok
15. Flypaper
16. Darwin Lied
17. Chemical Toilet
18. Scrantonicity
19. Mystery
20. Rex Manning

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Indian Accents

"If we only used chickens for their eggs - taking every egg so that they could be sold, bought, and eaten, then we would be without eggs after only one generation. chickens would not reproduce because we would've taken all their eggs.
This is what we are doing to the earth. We are taking all the oil there is and consuming it instead of consuming in a way that can guarantee we'll be able to consume for multiple generations. THis is problematic for me not because we are ensuring the demise of civilization as we know it, but because our survival up to this point has failed to avoid this obvious error. TO me, we may not deserve survival. There is something troubling in that we are unable to acknowledge the fact and change our behavior based on the fact that we could run out of our energy source. So, I do not see the use of oil in particular as some sort of evil, destructive effort on man's part but rather as a great miscalculation and, umm...great lapse in foresight and logic."
-me with a british/indian accent.
---------
why the different voice?
it's like, "well, yea, i wrote these string part with my guitar because that's what I know how to play but the final product isn't supposed to sound like a quartet of guitars. The notes, like the words, are the same but the tone is moreso important to the overall message, isn't it? a quartet of unplugged, electric guitars, will not sound as appropriate and more specifically, as impressive as a violin, cello, viola, and bass will. The notes aren't important; how they are played is."
The words are not important. How they are said is. This is why i choose to change my voice when recording my thoughts. My thoughts are reflections of what I've heard and so I pay tribute to that by never admitting that the way I speak is a result of my own doing. I don't use my real voice and can't in a way since there's no such thing as an original thought.

chew on that fat!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

apparently 'responsibility' is not the ability to respond

so, a mother wound up being responsible for the deaths of several poisoned children. was she acting irresponsibly when she killed them (?) because if you ask the police, she was responsible for what happened...

ooohh, i see though. she probably just acted irresponsibly to thwart the authorities because she was really responsible; like, really really responsible but she didn't want people to know that because it would mean that they would know and put her in jail.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

WORDS ARE FUN

i think that the term 'literally' is misused to mean 'true' or 'really' when really it should just assert something as being akin to literacy. i guess for some reason, there's an association between printed language and truth....weird. it's as though anything formulated into patterns posing as thoughts is magically transformed into something irrefutable.

"She literally fell like two stories onto that car!"

"..you mean, like, she wrote a story about falling onto a car or...."

Here's an ex-ample bosom. kind of lacking now, isn't it?