Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Top 5 Meanest Songs

1. Randy Neuman- Short People
Essentially, short people should die because their genetic line is one of “little hands, little eyes” that “walk around with their pathetic size….Short people got no reason to live”. Okay, picking on short people is a water only the meanest of the mean dare to tread. And it usually takes place in the deep end. Neuman, I would bow in the awe of your disgusting display of disaffection (I love alliteration!) but I think instead I’ll stand so that I can reach your dick and rip off that old, disgusting ball-sack of yours.
2. . Big L – “All Black”
Another rapping song about killing – sigh - This one paints an all too realistic relishing of not just killing a man, but forcing the family to look upon his coffin while wearing…all black. It explains at length the kind of satisfaction one can only get while watching the broken mother of the man you killed weeping openly over her fallen son. God willing, the son’s ghost is also watching on Earth, convinced he is in hell.
3. MIA- Paper Planes
‘All I wanna’ do’ is not be victim to your best efforts of shooting me, opening my register and taking my money. Even if it’s all you wanna’ do. I don’t care. No. No! I’m not going to let this happen, miss. You and your hard friends need to get out of here now. I work really hard to make this Bodega work and I find it really disturbing that this urge to kill and rob drives you the way it does.
4. Sara Bereilles – I’m Not Gonnna’ Write You A Love Song
Okay, Sara Bereilles is a bitch. I ask for one love song and not only does she say no, but she goes out of her way to write a song about how she won’t write a love song for me. That really hurt. I wasn’t being desperate about it or pathetic in any way, I just thought she would say yes and it could be like, our song. Just a nice little thing or whatever. Broke my heart…and now she’s all famous. It’s so weird.
5. Body Count- Cop Killer
I think I get it but... really? Come on Ice T. This isn't what you want.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Gregg Gill-is a boner?

I don't agree with this article per-say (per-sey?), but it's really well written and I like it.


Trash Talkin' the way this Girl Talks

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Top 20 fake bands

1. Wyld Stallyns
2. Hep Alien
3. Sonic Death Monkey
4. Scrambled Debutante
5. The Beets
6. Scab
7. CB4
8. LoveBurger
9. Marc
10. The Lone Rangers
11. Crucial Taunt
12. Bacon Facial
13. The Shitty Beatles
14. Dethklok
15. Flypaper
16. Darwin Lied
17. Chemical Toilet
18. Scrantonicity
19. Mystery
20. Rex Manning

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Indian Accents

"If we only used chickens for their eggs - taking every egg so that they could be sold, bought, and eaten, then we would be without eggs after only one generation. chickens would not reproduce because we would've taken all their eggs.
This is what we are doing to the earth. We are taking all the oil there is and consuming it instead of consuming in a way that can guarantee we'll be able to consume for multiple generations. THis is problematic for me not because we are ensuring the demise of civilization as we know it, but because our survival up to this point has failed to avoid this obvious error. TO me, we may not deserve survival. There is something troubling in that we are unable to acknowledge the fact and change our behavior based on the fact that we could run out of our energy source. So, I do not see the use of oil in particular as some sort of evil, destructive effort on man's part but rather as a great miscalculation and, umm...great lapse in foresight and logic."
-me with a british/indian accent.
why the different voice?
it's like, "well, yea, i wrote these string part with my guitar because that's what I know how to play but the final product isn't supposed to sound like a quartet of guitars. The notes, like the words, are the same but the tone is moreso important to the overall message, isn't it? a quartet of unplugged, electric guitars, will not sound as appropriate and more specifically, as impressive as a violin, cello, viola, and bass will. The notes aren't important; how they are played is."
The words are not important. How they are said is. This is why i choose to change my voice when recording my thoughts. My thoughts are reflections of what I've heard and so I pay tribute to that by never admitting that the way I speak is a result of my own doing. I don't use my real voice and can't in a way since there's no such thing as an original thought.

chew on that fat!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

apparently 'responsibility' is not the ability to respond

so, a mother wound up being responsible for the deaths of several poisoned children. was she acting irresponsibly when she killed them (?) because if you ask the police, she was responsible for what happened...

ooohh, i see though. she probably just acted irresponsibly to thwart the authorities because she was really responsible; like, really really responsible but she didn't want people to know that because it would mean that they would know and put her in jail.

Saturday, August 2, 2008


i think that the term 'literally' is misused to mean 'true' or 'really' when really it should just assert something as being akin to literacy. i guess for some reason, there's an association between printed language and truth....weird. it's as though anything formulated into patterns posing as thoughts is magically transformed into something irrefutable.

"She literally fell like two stories onto that car!"

" mean, like, she wrote a story about falling onto a car or...."

Here's an ex-ample bosom. kind of lacking now, isn't it?

Friday, July 25, 2008

IF Yakov were a toothbrush...

So, I wrote this thing in Boston. it's based on the premise of comedian Yakov Smirnoff being a toothbrush...puns are notated by bold font.

"In Tooth-Brussha, instead of fluoride in water, we have cyanide in water. is not like opposite side of iron braces, not like your Floss-Angelis. If only tooth-brussia had fake tittied teeth! They say you wear imperialist crowns and chew the fat of poisonous freedoms that will rot a society through it's roots. But Tooth-Brussia...what a country! The molar bears in Siberian Gumdra are so fierce...In tooth-brussia, the molar bears melt your homes away! In tooth-brussha, Gingevitus catches you! Huh-boy..."

Monday, June 2, 2008

The Penguins Fill Me With Awe!

These are some notes I took in response to Ben telling Chauncey that he was, "awfully tired". I started to play a word game. Wittgenstein might think it's funny. Or infuriating.

from an aural perspective:

awful - why is it negative to be full of awe?
awesome - why is it positive to only have some awe?

this apple is awful ; this apple fills me and potentially others with awe. And this is negative.
i am awfully tired; the amount that I am tired fills me and potentially others with awe. And this is negative.
i am awfully nice; the amount that I am nice fills me and others with awe.

being 'awfully nice's connotation is one that implies fault in being so nice as to inspire awe. 'jesus was awfully nice with the fish and the feet and the wine...i mean, come on, right?'
this is perhaps the result of an aural misinterpretation created by connecting 'awful' to negative things in sentences over and over again throughout millennia of spoken language. this may mean that more negative things were proven to inspire more awe than positive things could. i guess positive things inspire some awe (like a dog with shades on a skateboard eating pizza - awesome!) and negative things fill one with awe in today's linguistic landscape (like when that dog rolls into traffic - awful....but then he makes it through to the other side of the road! - awesome). weird.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Hannah Montana is the Internet

Check out this Klosterman article. It talks about the generation of virtual people and the principles associated with a girl on a scripted tv show who plays herself grappling with the pretend life of a pop star while actually being a pop's confusing.

Hannah Montana is the Internet

Friday, May 23, 2008

Takashi Murakami

Exhibit at Brooklyn Museum


I'm really into posting everyday these days.

superheroes will be real. as will super villains.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

i'm pretty sure i'm not louis stevens...

So, there was this assertion made on one of our tangents Tuesday that my being separate from you was an illusion; that in fact, we were one. here's a line of thought i had after hearing that that confused me.

'if we are one and if only we exist, then i don't exist; i'm just we. i assume the same thing happens to you. but if i don't exist and you don't exist, how can we exist?'

i don't know. maybe i just like having an identity and've been reading too much Huxley. Sharing myself means a class of oxygen deprived babies being shocked as they approach flowers...At least it does in my head.

BY the way, I heard the new Indiana Jones was terrible. I know a very lucky boy who went to the premier tonight. Can't say I wasn't seeing that coming but I had hopes.'re so big now.

Picture of the Internet Notes

"A circle whose center is everywhere and circumference is nowhere"
- I Heart Huckabees

A human model of the universe made up of human information, virtual human experience as apposed to natural or physical information and phenomena. A phenomenon unto itself and always growing. Or always shrinking...I can never remember.

Like art, the internet represents a human characteristic of attempting to be greater that itself by recreating and encouraging our nervous system. Being 'God'.

"The lights and cars look like reflections of the stars"
-Flight of the Conchords

I'm so writing a comic book about WWM...


Monday, May 12, 2008

Quiz of the Free

So, there's this fun American Civics quiz I thought you might enjoy. That is, if you exist.

Anyways, here it is.

I was pleasantly surprised with my score. I got a 98.33%. Feeling pretty good right about now. Beat me, and I'll give you a high five.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Rape Me

So, I want to talk about something that really bothers me. It's called Trickle Down Economics.
The general idea behind ‘trickle down economics’ is, “Well, caddies in Kingston need rich people don’t they?” In other words, the richer rich people are, the more they’ll be able to spend on services provided by poor people. Somehow, if they’re rich, people underneath them class-wise benefit. Services like water, heat, electricity, cable, internet, phones, and gas are often expenses paid for and forgotten by executives who make them as expensive as they are. And so when those prices have the opportunity to drastically go up thanks to wiggle room provided by tax exemptions and other ‘top 1%’ privileges, corporations really going for it and in the end, force poor people to pay these considerably more harmful charge increases. Let me explain; if corporations are given tax exemptions that allow for greater returns than they would have expected 8 years ago – ahem – then the logical move is to try and make even more money. You don’t do that by charging less. You certainly don’t do that by giving your lower level employees benefits. And what do executives care if prices on everything go up. They can afford to live more expensively with the money you’re giving them.
Middle to lower class citizens then who make up the majority of this country suffer from this policy and I’m going to go as far as to say that it’s done that way on purpose. Polarizing this nation economically is a perfect mission for the upper class. These are people who’ve dedicated their lives to being more and more powerful. They only have more to gain when the rich become richer and the poor become poorer. They’re on the winning end of that divisive process. So why wouldn’t they support an economic policy that’ll make them more powerful than they were and simultaneously push poorer people further away from the country club. “Don’t you want to be an aristocrat? Maybe President of the United States? Well, if you do, you and you’re corporate cronies are going to need millions and millions and millions of dollars to do it. Come on, let’s get us a scotch while you reconsider your position, Madam Senator”.
This policy is indicative of a slowly revealing secret - that American government is increasingly less and less concerned with the well-being of American people and increasingly more concerned with itself. Or more specifically, with its high rolling participants’ careers.
And maybe I’m an idiot for saying it and not just knowing it.
Irregardless, this self-perpetuation is unmistakably apparent in ‘trickle down economics. “Let them eat cake!”, they said! Right to our faces. “Our wealth is there for you… in theory. Really it’s in a bank and several other investments placed in other well established corporations who’re flourishing just as well as we are…I’ve just purchased a house in the Vineyard…But listen to the president who says so little! Congress is being fickle – He says congress doesn’t want wealth to trickle down. You hear that, poor people with little to no understanding of how money in this country really works. He’s frustrated on your behalf and he’s going to fight until (cue religious language) Congress sees the light and lets you have rich peoples’ money!”
“Well, fuck, Congress! Let George do what he does! He’s President and we need to support our President because he told us we do. I’ve pledged my allegiance…”
I’d call it brilliant if it wasn’t so wrong. It confuses the hell out of me.
I’ll leave you with a quote from Dan Dennet – “The secret to happiness is to find a cause greater than yourself and dedicate your life to it”. I’ll say, don’t let your life be determined by unworthy causes. FIN.

Thursday, April 10, 2008


Okay, this is just hilarious. This is a real picture taken from Don't believe me? Here's the link:

Tell me that isn't a naked woman in the reflection of his glasses.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Cigarettes From the Past

Today, I want to talk about cigarettes. I quit officially on March 2nd, 7m of this year and technically on March 17th, 1am (it was St. Patrick's day. I was drunk) but really I've been finding it easier than I thought it would be. Maybe I was never really physically addicted. Maybe I have an amazing constitution. Actually, no maybe there. One day in 10th grade I decided to use forks and spoons with my left hand instead of my right and I've been doing it ever since. True story.
I am now a non-smoker. But maybe 'easy' was an overstatement. I've asked for cigarettes in between then and now and I have to thank my friends who say no and then smoke in front of me. Sincerely.

When I'm bored, I kind of want a cigarette. I don't have to have one; I just sort of want one. Like how when I'm watching tv, I like to have my laptop with me so I can look into all the cool medicines I see advertised. I don't have to have it. I just like it here. I like breathing in the aromas of my apple's internal fan, feeling the cool burn of 15 btu's glaring off the screen, a rustic taptaptap between my fingers...

The decision or maybe power to quit all came down to a kind of mantra I live by. I think of my perfect future. Not mine specifically but the kind of futuristic society that I dream of. No war, no stupid people (stupid stupid people...), a high society where the happenings of the past are so totally understood and quaint.

"Can you imagine? The former US government supported an industry where an addictive agent was sold unto a masses who KNEW it would kill them. It was all about...what was that thing called? Honey?"

"Haha, it's pronounced 'money', dear. A strange barter system based on paper representations of stones hoarded and valued for their beauty. The tobacco industry was able to make trillions of these 'dollars' by selling an addictive product thusly guaranteed to maintain the company's income."

"Company, Daddy?"

"Sooomething like our Life Service Organizations, little Billy. But far less moral. And in the case of the cigarette companies, far more destructive. It was almost brilliant in it's deviancy. They made enough money to support a corrupt government equally dependent on the power money gave - thereby preventing mass-murder charges. Even when at the height of their veritable campaign against humanity they were able to amass approximately 440,000 kills a year in the former United States alone and suffer the consequences of not one successful criminal charge. Most interesting was perhaps the fact that those who used cigarettes not only became physically dependent on them, but were very much emotionally attached. They defended their right to smoke and die. It's fun to wonder why it was that a community addicted to an agent was it's biggest supporter and that the community who was not addicted opposed the addictive qualities and mass distribution of a known poison. Huh, kids?"

"You're being facetious, of course, father."

"It was a strange time..."

"Silly humans."

So in short, it's always better to sit on the right side of history. Otherwise, aliens from the future will laugh at you. Like we do to Romans who drank out of lead pipes. This is probably the biggest lesson I live by now that I think about it.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Network rant

so, i'm not entirely sure that i'm the diatribe type but i just got done watching 'Network' directed by Sidney Lumet and written by Paddy Chayefsky so i'm in a particularly prophetic mood. there's a line in that film that struck me in particular and i'd like to, for a moment, reflect on why.
Howard Beale address his audience at one point by relaying a vision: "And I said, 'what is this? the burning bush? for god's sake, i'm not moses!' and the voice said, 'and i'm not god! what's that got to do with anything?!'" the words empowered a sense of self-importance and while i saw that Beale was drunk on his own words, i couldn't help but also see that his arrogance heavily involved him in a televised revolution that encouraged the messenger and not the message. his fictional legacy is one that reflects the shift in network television, where corporations invested in the medium and ratings became more important than responsibility. In other words, the news had to be entertaining and pull it's weight in revenue instead of serving the public objectively. This is the norm in television now but in the 70s this shift was taking place and those within the business of television who saw it coming were thrown away like wrinkled 8tracks.
Anchors are actors now and they ask pointed questions, report on the most dramatic stories and arguably determine what we, the public, know. Television is still the most powerful source of news but i feel like what's happened is that editorials have taken the news' place. and maybe i'm dumb for thinking so and not just knowing so and brushing it off. But i can believe a Keith Olbermann (not that he's a bad guy) as though he were an automatic truth teller and that what he has to say is right in an objective way when everything he says is subjectively tinted with the way he says it. i can even go as far as believing Jon Stewart as an authority on a kind of left morality. that moral being perhaps that we can all laugh while the world burns. it's all happening on television after all. i don't like feeling that way..
Beale towards the end of the picture helps the television generation realize the inevitability of their own demise as individuals (an antiquated lesson for the google generation-sigh-). Not death as in the end of everything, but death as in the end of a dream that all men are entitled to themselves and that in every man rightfully exists a universe. He speaks of a day when all the world is ruled by one corporation and mankind works to maintain It's glory. I hope he's wrong. but then again, i see the writings on the wall and i've fallen for profiting false prophets myself. that was lame..nevermind.

some of beale's madness:

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Scumm of the mid 90's Earth

Does anyone remember Sam and Max Hit the Road? Day of the Tentacle?
I'm talking LucasArts Scumm gaming circa 1993! You should download and play both of these amazing pieces of nostalgic nonsense because they are officially my favorite games of all time. If you haven't heard of them, these oh valued games that collectively shaped my pre-adolescent problem solving skills, here's some knowledge.

Sam and Max are freelance police who solve paranormal mysteries but the catch is that Sam is a dog and Max is a rabbit who doesn't wear clothes but carries things anyways. They've been commissioned by a freak show to find an escaped big foot and on the way, they learn that friendship is invaluable. And that mole people use magnets to bewilder tourists. If you're a clever person, you'll have a lot of fun figuring out what to use with what, where to use it, who to talk to, what to pick up, where to go, when to etc...
Sam & Max

Day of the Tentacle was the first computer game to have pre-recorded dialogue! (did not know that). It's about Purple Tentacle's megalo-maniacal transformation into a tentacle with arms! Imagine the possibilities when it's up to a stoner sound tech, a lazy eyed pre-med student, and the biggest nerd ever to save the world from three different places in time (don't ask). Classic Scumm and you can't even buy it anymore so download or never know the joy of blowing up George Washington's face (I've said too much). The only oversight is when Dr. Fred Edison asks you to fix the plans for his oil and crouton powered battery. The answer has to do with the serial number and the serial number changes every time you play it. You can find the answer to the serial number of your choice here:

and download the game here:
Day of the Tentacle

Now, both of these downloads are for DOS versions of the games but fear not because there is a free and fun loving conversion program called ScummVM that allows you to play these DOS games on your 21st century PC. It's really easy to navigate but make sure when bringing the game into ScummVM that you select the entire game's file that unzipped onto your desktop or wherever and not just select one of the random MDR or EXE files that make up the game (and don't try and open the zip with ScummVM. Unzip it...). Also, download for the right format and convert to the right format. If you have a Mac, don't download the ScummVM for Windows and option to make the game run on Linux. That would be silly.



Friday, March 21, 2008

2006 Correspondence Dinner Minutes

For the sake of posterity I have taken minutes from the Stephen Colbert correspondence dinner.
Tonight, no one is safe….

Before I begin, I’ve been asked to make an announcement: whoever parked 14 black, bulletproof SUV’s out front, uh, could you please move them. They’re blocking in 14 other black SUV’s and they need to get out.
Wow. Wow, what an honor. The white house correspondence dinner. To actually sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush. To be this close to the man. I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Damnitt. The one guy who could have helped.
Um, by the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers; someone from the nsa will be right over with a cocktail.
Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press core, madam first lady, Mr. president, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it is my privilege to celebrate this president. Cause we’re not so different, he and I. we both get it. Guys like us; we’re not some brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We’re not members of the factonista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That’s where the truth lies. Right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. Now I know some of you are gonna say, “I did look it up and that’s not true.” That’s cause you looked it up in a book. Next time look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that’s how our nervous system works. Every night on my show the Colbert Report I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the no fact zone. Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
I’m a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one: I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the pacific and I strongly believe it has 50 states and I cannot wait to see how the Washington post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export at least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for 3 cents a unit. As a matter of fact, um, Ambassador Jo In Jon, uh, welcome. Your great country makes our happy meals possible.
I said it’s a celebration.
I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. I believe, I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible. I saw this guy do it once on Cirque’ De’ Sole. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior. Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it’s yogurt, but I refuse to believe it’s not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president. Now I know there are some polls out there saying that this man has a 32% approval rating but guys like us, we don’t pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in reality. And reality has a well-known liberal bias. So Mr. president please, please pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass…. huh. Important to set up your jokes properly sir. Sir, pay no attention to people who say the glass is half empty because 32% means it’s two-thirds empty. There’s still some liquid in that glass is my point. But I wouldn’t drink it. Last third is usually backwash. Okay. Look, folks, my point is that I don’t believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it’s just a lull before a comeback. I mean, it’s like the movie Rocky, alright. The president in this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is everything else in the world. It’s the tenth round, he’s bloodied, his corner man Mick, who in this case, I guess, would be the vice president. He’s yelling, “Cut me, Dick, cut me” and every time he falls everyone says, “Stay down, Rock, stay down”. But does he stay down? No. Like Rocky he gets back up and in the end he… actually loses in the first movie. Um…hmm…okay. Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. The point is it is a heartwarming story of a man who is repeatedly punched in the face. So don’t pay attention to the approval ratings that say that 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this: does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he’s not doing? Think about it. I haven’t.
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to America she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world.
Now there may be an energy crisis. Well, this president has a very forward thinking energy policy. Why do you think he’s down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He’s trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car.
And I, I just like the guy. He’s a good Joe. Obviously loves his wife; he calls her his better half and polls show America agrees. She’s a true lady and a wonderful woman but I, I just have one beef, ma’am, I’m sorry but, um, this reading initiative: I’m sorry, I’ve never been a fan of books. I don’t trust them. They’re all fact, no heart. I mean, they’re elitist telling us what is or isn’t true or what did or didn’t happen. Who’s Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was build in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941 that’s my right as an American. I’m with the president; let history decide what did or did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he’s steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change, this man’s beliefs never will.
And as excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America with the exception of fox news. Fox News gives you both sides of the story: the president’s side and the vice president’s side. But the rest of you, what are you thinking? Reporting on NSA wire-tapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe. Those things are secret for a very important reason; they’re super depressing. And if that’s your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good. Over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming; we Americans didn’t want to know and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew. But listen, let’s review the rules. Here’s how it works: the president makes decisions, he’s the decider, the press secretary announces those decisions and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put ‘em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again, make love to your wife, write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know, fiction. Cause really what incentive do these people have to answer your questions after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes so the white house has personnel changes. And then you write, “Oh, they’re just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.” First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg. Now, it’s not all bad guys out there. There are some of the heroes out there tonight. Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Sheiver. I’ve interviewed all of them. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I appreciate it. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How’s Tuesday for you? I’ve got Frank Rich but we can just bump him. And I mean, “bump him”. I know a guy, say the word.
Let’s see who we got here tonight. Uh… We got General Moseley, air force chief of staff. We got General Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rummsfeld. Right? You guys aren’t retired yet, right? Right. They still support Rummsfeld. Look, by the way, I’ve got a theory on how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: Don’t let them retire. Come on. We’ve got a stop loss program, let’s use it on these guys. I’ve seen the Zinny and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you’re strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you’re strong enough to stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.
Jesse Jackson is here. The Reverend. Haven’t heard from the reverend in just a little while. I had him on the show. It was a very interesting interview, very challenging interview. You can ask him anything but he’s gonna say what he wants at the pace that he wants. It’s like boxing a glacier. Um, enjoy that metaphor by the way because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Justice Sklee is here. Justice Sklee may I be the first to say, “Welcome@, sir! You look fantastic! How are you? NdAy!” Just talking some Sicilian with my Piz an.
John McCain is here. John McCain. What a maverick. Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad. Cause I guarantee you it wasn’t a salad fork. This guy could’ve used a spoon. There’s no predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain, so wonderful to see you coming back into the republican fold, um, I’ve actually got a summerhouse in South Carolina. Look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you’ve seen the light, sir.
Mayor Naegan. Mayor Naegan is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city. Yea, give it up. Mayor Naegan I’d like to welcome you to Washington DC, the chocolate city with a marsh-mellow center and a graham cracker crush of corruption. It’s a malamar, I guess is what I’m describing is a malamar. It’s a seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here. Joe Wilson, right down here in front the most famous husband since Desee Arnez. And of course he brought along his lovely wife, Valerie Plame. Oh my God. Oh, what have I said? I….gee menedy I am sorry Mr. President. I meant to say, “He brought along his lovely wife, Joe Wilson’s wife”. Patrick Fitzgerald’s not here tonight, right? Okay, dodged a bullet.
And of course, can’t forget the man of the hour. New press secretary Tony Snow. Secret Service name: Snow Job. Toughest job. What a hero. Took the second toughest job in government next to of course the ambassador to Iraq. Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course, eager to retire. Really, really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card’s children.
Mr. President I wish you hadn’t made the decision so quickly, sir. I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary; I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns. In fact sir I um, I brought along an audition tape and um, with your indulgence I’d like to at least give it a shot. So ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.

I have a brief statement, the press is destroying America. Okay, let’s see who we got here today. Stretch? Sir Nerdlington? Sloppy Joe! Terry Lemon Maraign Pie. OH. Doubting Thomas, always a pleasure. And Susan Mal-Heellloo! Yes.
“Will the Vice President be available soon to answer all questions himself?”
I’ve already addressed that question. You.
“Walter Cronkite, the noted CBS anchor…”
Ahh no, he’s the former CBS anchor. Katie Kurick is the anchor of the CBS evening news. By the way, how do you guys feel about that? You, uh, tossle-hair, guy in the back. Are you happy about Katie Kurick taking over the CBS evening news?
“ No, sir, Mr. Colbert. Are you?”
Oh, look. We woke David Gregory up. David do you have a question?
“Did Karl Rove commit a crime?”
I don’t know. I’ll ask him. Karl, pay attention please.
“Do you stand by your statement from the fall of 2003 when you were asked specifically about Karl and Elliot Abrams and Scooter Libby and you said, ‘I’ve gone to each of those gentlemen and they have told me they are not involved in this’? Do you still stand by that statement?”
Nah, I was just kiddin’.
“No you’re not finishing. You’re not saying anything. You stood at that podium and said..”
Ah that’s where you’re wrong. New podium. Just had it delivered today. Get your facts straight, David.
“This is ridiculous. The notion that you’re gonna stand before us and after having commented with that level of detail and tell people watching this that somehow you’ve decided not to talk….
I’m sorry, what’s that David? If I can’t hear you, I can’t answer your question, I’m sorry. I have to move on. Yes, Terri.
“After the investigation began, after the criminal investigation was underway you said… all of a sudden you have respect for the sanctity of the criminal investigation?”
No, I never had any respect for the sanctity of the criminal investigation. Activist judges. Yes, Helen.
“You’re gonna be sorry.”
Whatcha’ gonna’ do, Helen. Ask me for a recipe?
“Your decision to invade Iraq has caused the deaths of thousands of Americans and Iraqis. Ruined Americans and Iraqis for a lifetime. Every reason given, publicly at least, has turned out not to be true. My question is, why did you really want to go to war?”
Helen, I’m gonna’ stop you right there! That’s enough! No!
“What was your real reason?”
Sorry, Helen, I’m moving on. Guys, no. I already said…Guys, don’t let Helen do this to what was a lovely day. BLLLAAA! No! no! NO! no! no! no! no! I’m not listening to you! Look what you did Helen. I hate you. I’m out of here! There is a wall here. No one told me that
It reeks in there. Ridiculous. I’ve never been so insulted in my entire life. Stupid job. Condi!! Oh, thank god. Help me.
“What seems to be the problem sir?”
She won’t stop asking why we invaded Iraq?
“Hmm..why did we invade Iraq?”
NOOO!!! Come on….alright, got it. Oh god. Okay. NOOOO!!!!!NOOOOO!!!!
Ahh. What a terrible trip, Danny. Take me home.
“Buckle up, hun.”

Helen Thomas, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Smith, members of the white house correspondence association, madam first lady, Mr. President it’s been a true honor. Thank you very much. Goodnight.