Thursday, July 23, 2009

Time Translations

"the bouncer's a beast of a guy - chain smoker. now, you've got this fake but you gotta make sure you know it's details, otherwise you'll get kicked out."

"before the castle stands a man creature billowing smoke and flame from its mouth. it will ask you one question and one question only. if you answer true, you will gain entry. but answer true you must, else you will be forbidden by the creature and damned to never know pleasures such that lie inside."

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Outrageous Accusations!

Outrageous Accusations!

- The bubonic plague was a royal conspiracy intent on killing whores!
- Mentally handicapped carnival promoters were responsible for 911!
- Every time it rains, Paul McCartney makes $15,000!
- Canadians are scared of the dark!
- Foxes were genetically engineered by the French to nip at kite strings!
- Lily flowers hate everything!
- Belly buttons are the Danish equivalent of a vagina!
- Getting towels in an Iranian bath house will get you killed!
- Goties were invented in the 17th century to trick goats into mating with men!
- Howard Stern's penis is attached to his back!
- Native American tomahawks cause 88% of all premature births!
- German Shepherds are racist!
- Bjork and Seal came from the same home planet where they're both only mediocre singers!

I want to make this a separate blog, I think. If anyone reads this, talk to me about it. It could be fun. User run, sell it to google for a million dollars.
Easy-peasy. Beautiful.
Lover Burl.

Five Mean Thoughts - Medieval Times

Alright, I'm doing another one because sometimes, the best way to get ride of evil is to express it indirectly. I've been thinking about medieval times a lot - humorously - but today i may have gone too far again. Into that place where wincing is just as good as laughing. So, five mean thoughts about medieval times.


1. They didn't know what mental illness was so the mentally ill were made jesters or wrestled for sport. Either way, they were always chained.
2. Having abortions meant killing your woman.
3. When men fucked their dogs, they got them pregnant cause man's seed was so primitive.
4. King Arthur was so dumb, he thought science was magic and reading a dark art.
5. Venereal disease was how children were disposed of by royalty.


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Real Quote - Queen Elizabeth I

Kneel, Vicks Baker.
And arise! - Sir Vicks Baker.

Mother's Day - Here's to Women

"Here's to women.
Would that we could fall into their arms without falling into their hands!"

Wives who are funnier than their husbands:
-bill hader's wife
-will arnet's wife
-robert cohen's wife
-portia de rossi's wife

Women who are beautiful no matter what people tell me!
- Janeane Garofalo
- Gina Gershon
- TIna Fey
- bald Samantha Morton
- Anna Paquin
- Mary Lynn Rajskub
- Katherine Moennig

Blondie and Pat Benatar are going on tour this summer with The Donnas

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Toast of the Week

"Mages and saints,
to spirits we drink
from skulls made now of glass.
Our souls in our hands,
we harbor no plans
to save them from becoming crass"

-all these will be made up

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Friday, April 24, 2009

Five Mean Thoughts

A blind albino woman walked by me today.
The second she passed, I started inventing parts of her life I thought were funny. I felt like a really big dick but came up with some things in a section I'm calling: Five Mean Thoughts. Here they are.

1. She probably hates the sun. But only because she doesn't know what it is. All she knows is that it hurts.
2. Her cane is often mistaken for one of her appendages.
3. She hears dogs bark all the time and doesn't know why.
4. Braille always cuts her paper thin fingers.
5. Her skin allows her to actually feel peoples' gazes.

I don't know if I'm going to do this kind of post again now that I'm thinking about it...

Alan Moore Reading Rorschach's Journal - Awesome

As it was meant to be read:

Thursday, April 23, 2009

City-wide Decree

Sonic Youth T-Shirts


Ramones/CBGB T-Shirts

What the Devil Did for Fun

Get men drunk
Tempt wolves into stealing babies
Trick wandering minstrels
Poison cows' milk
Make certain horses really difficult
The Plague
Burn down chicken coops
Rearrange road signs
Birth defects
Sing lewd songs
Eat gold

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Real Quote - Thomas Jefferson

The Declaration of Independence has been signed!
Congratulations, America.

Monday, April 13, 2009

BabelFish Poetry - Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1, 55-87

Is or is not, is the question:
Whether ' tis nobly suffering brains in
suspension cables and arrow's crude fortune ,
or adopts the arm to oppose the troublesome sea,
and finished them through the opposition.
To die to the sleep,
does not have;
And by said that our sleep conclusion
heartache and 1000 natural vibration
that flesh and blood were the successor:
complete is devotional wish; dies, sleeps;
Sleeps, accidentally, vainly hopes for - ay, there' s friction:
Perhaps for in dying that sleep, any dream comes,
towed this to curl at the point of death,
must give us to pause - there' s respects
to make the disaster longevity.
Who will bear the whip regarding who, and will despise the time,
Th' oppressor' s mistake, arrogant man' s rails,
Severe pain; love, law' s retards,
the office is arrogant, abandons that patient merit
It is not worth achievement,
when perhaps his final relieves makes a bare awl?
Who could the fardels bear, die loo the sound and the sweat under the weary life,
but something dreading after death, undiscovere'd the country,
does not have the traveller from the goal to return, difficult problem,
and rather causes us to bear some ill ratios
does not know to us other flights?
Therefore the conscience is the coward we complete,
and the resolution's local color
is therefore sicklied - o' Not with pale idea statue,
and the great asphalt and moment enterprise
this respects the tidal current deviation
and the lost motion name.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Kids Shows Going Brutal

Sorry to post videos like a lazybug but I thought these were funny.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Smokey doesn't think before he speaks

'only you can prevent forest fires'.

Smokey, if 9 out of 10 wildfires are caused by humans, then 1 out of 10 wildfires is caused by nature (let he who is without sin, alright?)

but more importantly, that would also mean that 10 out of 10 wildfires are caused and that causality is to blame here for your little critter friends' homelessness.

only indeterminacy can prevent forest fires, brah.